The Rollercoaster Ride of Parenting

Today was a good day! I got the kiddos off to school, talked to my BFF about life, worked from home, and somehow, gradually, smack dead in the middle of it all, a strong feeling of depression came over me! I had no words. All I wanted to be was alone with my thoughts and figure out the “why” of life. I mean, all I want is quite simple, my kiddos to be happy, financial security, a clear road map to the next stop in life, and to not have to be strong for everyone around me! No words spoken, yet the feelings overwhelmed me as I lie in the bed trying to put my two youngest to sleep. They had questions and were fighting their sleep…WHY??? Of all nights, not tonight. And to end the night, my teenage son thought to do homework well past bedtime! With frustration and a still resentment in my heart, I simply laid in the best surfing social media, trying to distract the overwhelming feelings of utter mental and physical chaos; after all, I still had piles of laundry to do! As I continued to search the web, I decided to scour the internet to diagnose my unrest, searching things like, “signs of adult ADHD”. I concluded that was not the answer to my whoas. With the kids finally asleep and me unable to rest, I continued to search for answers…I got it!!! Three crunchy tacos as I scraped the last servings from tonight’s dinner. I sat down to eat and at first bit, I could barely swallow. I knew the need was greater because normally, I could scratch the itch with comfort food. Then, out of a moment of desperation, it hit me…WRITE! I logged into my laptop at the dining room table and went to the website I had created many months prior and began to BLOG! Ladies, welcome! Mommies, welcome! As I sit here to right my first post, I want to let you know that today is the day that I take my pain and experiences and release it to the world! The Lord told me to and in a subtle, quiet voice He continued to bring to my mind, “Moms R The B.O.M.B.com”. Many days, I have been able to allow reluctance, distractions, and doubt to stop me from writing, but today is the day that I choose ME! As a mom, we have made it our mission to serve others; our kids, husbands, community, church, careers, and whatever else attaches itself to our coat tail. It STOPS for me TODAY!!! It STARTS with US today! So, lets just chat! Lets just breathe! Lets just find a safe space to belong and connect with other mommies! As we try to find this mythical arrival place called “Balance”, I have come to realize that balance is a false hope. The sooner I accept the reality that 100% of how I spend my time is determined by the season of life that I am in, the quicker I get to inner peace and less anxiety that I must be perfect in my pursuit to parent. To see my forty-year-old classmates traveling and living their best lives as empty nesters, while I wrestle to find time to engage my three, six, and fourteen year old children can be a lot to take in if I allow “Comparison Candice” to slip in and take a seat in my mind. Candice, please have several seats, I’m on a journey to find self-love, engage self-care, and rediscover who I am in this new season of life! Speaking of life, its probably in order to share who I am and the backstory of my life as a mommy who feels compelled to find hope in the midst of hurt and write about my lived experiences in a BLOG. Well, here’s my story… I am a newly single mommy of three beautiful children: Stephen Azai (14), Taiden Asher (6), Ivy-Mone’t Linelle (3) who courageously exited a toxic and unhealthy marriage. I recently divorced May 2021. I would have been married 16 years this month. I work full-time and was on the track to graduate with my master’s degree in May 2022 with only two classes remaining after this semester. Then the Lord decided to intervene, and I felt Him leading me to simply STOP! After my divorce, I should have stopped and allowed room for my children and I to grieve the loss of our family unit, but consistent with my high achieving personality, I took two summer classes and kept moving; with the understanding that I was on a time restraint that did not allow time for me to quit. Well, four weeks into the fall semester, I could not shake the still small voice beaconing me to withdraw from classes. So, out of obedience to the Holy Spirit, I obeyed. I don’t understand it fully, but I do know that I have been asking the Lord to help me value me and put me first. As a natural giver, that can be hard, but I also realize that I need TIME to be intentional in my healing journey and understand that I have a selfless responsibility to my children to model healthy self-care; even when it mean delaying deadlines and accomplishment to pour into self; understanding that I am not what I do and in order to continue to show up and engage in what has been set before me, I must take care of me! With the time I have that was once set aside for class and studying, I still remain overbooked. Yet, I am finding unique ways to continue to eliminate, organize, and declutter my emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual spaces to become the woman I was created and purposed to be. I am realizing that I am not the titles that I so proudly wear; I am more than that. I am redefining who God has fashioned me to be in the next season of life with special emphases on embracing my warmth, kindness, gentle, rested, and more feminine side to attract all that God has for me! So, as I write, I hope this platform, designed to engineer a space for my healing, will do double work and help my fellow mommies know that you are not alone! I too experience mommy burnout but believe that as we become intentional in reprogramming our mental software to value self, then from a full cup, pour into our children from the overflow of joy, peace, life, love, and hope; ultimately becoming moms who can proudly say, ” I am the BOMB.com”…and mean it! Sincerely signed by, Monique J. Jameison, A Work in Progress