The Counterfeit

“Hey there beautiful!”

”Wow, you have a lovely smile!”

Two repeated phrases I heard while entering the doors of the federal building each morning for work. I welcomed it with a BIG smile and a cheeky comment as I swiftly headed to the elevator to tackle the days work. Never in a million years did I think GS (to keep anonymous) was interested. After all, I talk to everybody; authentic, genuine laughter was a part of each interaction and I welcomed everyone with my noticeably big smile! To be honest , unless a man is direct in his approach towards me, I simply assume he’s being nice and miss subtle and even bold cues of a man showing interest!

I digress…

I’m simply a happy, bubbly, friendly girl who greets everyone with a smile. Connecting with people fuels me and with a new job in the horizon that was outside of my typical profession as a former educator, void of my daily dose of convo and connection, being met with small talk, jokes, and compliments was refreshing!

About 1-month into my new career, a colleague of mine noticed GS intently watching me with admiration and desire! She stopped and said, “You definitely like what you see!” As she bursted into laughter. He replied, “Man, she gorgeous, but I’m scared to step to her. She’s not interested in a dude like me. She looks bougie!” The same day, I had tech issues and went to her office for resolve. With gitty girl laughter and eager eyes, I was met with, “Girl, you have an admirer!”, followed by the breakdown of there conversation about me. When leaving for the day, GS nervously approached me and stumbled over his words with the most corny pickup line. I inwardly giggled and kinda rolled my eyes, but thought to myself, “I can imagine how scary it must be to approach, so at least hear him out and engage in small talk.” This little interaction at the end of the day went on for several days until he finally built up the courage to ask for my number. I obliged. After all, it’s just a phone conversation. Something new since I never give out my phone number.

To be honest, I felt like a female bear just leaving hibernation and for the first time since my divorce, I felt seen! As a mommy of three whose daily routine surrounded my kiddos rigorous schedule, church, and simple store runs to maintain my home, I simply had not made time to notice a suitor; of course men would compliment me in passing, but I never slowed down long enough to engage in a deep conversation.

After a couple of months of consistent communication and getting to know one another, I slowly let my guard down. I felt like a new woman! He represented new-life, fun, laughter, and the little girl in me arose. I was having genuine fun simply getting to know a guy who adored me! It felt good! My femininity arose from the shadows of the strong woman; necessary to exist with the weight to lead in every area of my life. But with GS, I didn’t have to be strong! I was soft, vulnerable, open, gitty, and girly! Most people have never seen this side of me because I am always pouring and giving and doing and leading and pushing!

About 1 or 2 months into our talking stage, he popped the big question??? 😳 No mommas…not that big! 😂 He asked to be exclusive. I was a little hesitant but somehow convinced myself to move forward. I mean what could this hurt? After all, we shared so many similar interests and this relationship felt different.

As time went on and we continued to learn one another, I continued to reinforce my boundaries and standards. Not because I feel violated, but because I understood that sex before marriage for me was off the table and I also understood that though he identified himself as a Christian, he had not abstained from sex before. Maybe that should have been a 🚩 flag, but I stayed. We would have deep conversations about our values and at times this would lead to debate amongst differing opinions and viewpoints.

One area we saw different was in the area of provision and whether or not a man should provide financially 100% or go 50/50. Ladies… 50/50 was a trigger word for me. I was well aware that this concept was being debated across social media platforms and I stood 10 toes down on God’s principles that states a man is the provider of his home. On the other hand, this working-class Black man who actively provided for his children post-divorce and who had also experienced providing 100% in a previous marriage of 18-years to ultimate burnout felt different. This time around, he was hard against doing it alone! I noticed a bit of trauma there, but again, I dismissed it as my feelings grew for him. He knew how I felt. I knew how he felt. We did not reconcile these viewpoints, but I did notice in his actions from time to time, how this difference of opinion could cause some issue. Yet I continued to take note and moved forward.

To clarify, when I speak of provision, I see it as a mindset! I believe a man MUST own 100% responsibility in this area. It doesn’t mean that I don’t work. What it does mean is that a man has a desire to provide and he is working towards putting himself in position to lead his family in that way. What it also means is that as his helpmate, I see his vision for the family, support his vision, and help him multiply! This also means that it will give me the freedom to pursue God’s call as well; intentionally investing in our children and helping build legacy for generations to come. For me, it also looks like pursuing God’s call on my life without the burden of “provision” being an area that I must hold concern for. It also means that if I want to pursue teaching and my income is $50k, then I’m not burdened with choosing a field outside of teaching because my husband needs my help and greater income. I could also choose another area of service to ministry or explore entrepreneurship and bring in mullions. In either scenario, I desire the freedom to explore and the availability to prioritize motherhood and my role as wife, without the burden of work outside of the home. Now, I’m no “Suzy Homemaker”, but building with a man in my early 20s is not something I want to do in my mid-40s. I desire a man who is already established financially, has a providers mindset, and will allow me the time-freedom to prioritize my gifts, talents, and aid the family in a way that does not require me to be a work mule because I can serve best focusing on different areas. I am even excited about serving my future-husband’s business ventures and helping him grow in leaps and bounds! Again, the provision aspect and burden should be for the man to carry and I desire one who happily, not begrudgingly owns this part of the relationship. Just my thought. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Back to the story…

I think we both came from a place of exhaustion! We both were looking for someone to relieve us from our current lifestyle that did not leave much room for self-care and fun. This made us lean in even harder; we were so exhausted that one of our first dates after being exclusive was one of rest. I will save the details for later, but because we both lived overextended lives, we were both vulnerable and looking for one another to fill a void only the precious Holy Spirit could fill.

If you read my previous post on “Delusion”, you will see the connection. This young man is the same one that the Lord told me early on that He wasn’t “the one”. Mommas, do not judge me! 🤦🏽‍♀️ But please learn from my experience. As a reminder, it was during my moment of worship that the Lord reminded me of who I was and who He is! This in turn, highlighted the areas of concern in my relationship with GS. While “in the spirit”, I wrote the post on delusion. And y’all know the Lord speaks to me through writing, so the revelation became more clear. The confusing part, at the time, was that I had no tangible evidence that proved there was harm ahead. He had not done anything wrong that I could pinpoint. So, I justified my continued engagement with GS and continued forward, not knowing my feelings were growing. I eventually grew to love him. We just connected in a way that seemed so genuine and authentic! The feelings were mutual and we shared so many common interests naturally. The love was easy. We were friends and laughed often!!! He was familiar. A great fit for my past and my family of origin. He even was a good fit for my present. But something in me and the Holy Spirit knew that he wasn’t a good fit for my future; my purpose! Destiny!!! It was hard to see the future! I was blinded by trials, tribulations, and life’s circumstances that I almost aborted my future for temporary pleasure! BUT God’s grace is sufficient!

Fast forward towards the end of this season with GS, I began to notice inconsistencies in his communication. Early on, inconsistencies were given the benefit of the doubt because I matched that energy with difficult questions and I didn’t fear hard conversations. We talked about all of it!

“The straw that broke the camels back” was in January 2025. I was scheduled to leave for work-related training for 3-weeks. I was leaving my children for the first time. My support system stepped up. To note, I determined early on in the relationship that I would allow him to be who he authentically was. I did not nag him about my preferences and needs. I understood that dating was for collecting data, so I didn’t want to force him to show up the way I desired him to. If ever there was a problem or concern, I gently stated the concern, set a boundary, and allowed him to do what he decided in his own will to do. I simply took note and made the adjustment in my actions and heart accordingly.

Well, towards the end of January through mid-February, I traveled out of state for training. He agreed to visit me during the second weekend of training for “us” time. I’ll talk about that later ladies.

Just note, my opinion, it’s probably not best to spend the weekend together with a man your dating. 😳 Whether you are 18 years young or 75 years old, the basic principle applies! Men like women. Women like men! If you like someone romantically (or not), and you desire to please the Lord in the area of sexual purity, please don’t open that door. He visited. We shared the same hotel room, and we did everything but have sex. I’ll leave it there. And to be honest, I think I’m the purest or purest! 😳🤦🏽‍♀️ The bottom line, create barriers and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT compromise on your standards! We did not have sex, but it came too close for comfort! Do not fool yourself into thinking that you are “strong enough”! You’re Not! I’m NOT! We are still in this flesh and the Bible is very clear in stating that we MUST “flea youthful lust”!

I digress…

The following weekend was February 14 (Valentine’s Day 😁😍🥰) He agreed to pick me up from the airport. I received a text the day before stating his son needed him and he was out-of-town checking on him. He could not pick me up from the airport on Valentine’s Day. With as much restraint and self-control I could mustar up, I replied with concern for his son and gave him space! To do what mommas???? I gave him space to do what he willed to do in his heart and through his actions. But to be honest…I was hurt, angry, sad, confused (not really 🙄) and did I mention angry! I felt played because for the first time I could not deny that something was off! In my mind, his son, represented “another woman”!

Anywho, I flew in on Valentine’s Day, caught an Uber home and was met with a text from GS that read, “Happy Valentine’s Day 🌹🌹🌹🌹😘😘😘😘”! Baby, I could have thrown my phone out the window I was so offended. I did not reply and I shifted my mindset to focus on my children I had not seen for 3-weeks. Eventually, Mr. GS decided to call me at 6:18pm (when V-Day was over 🙄) I simply ignored the call. I felt disrespected, under-valued, and played! The weekend consisted of GS gaslighting me with text messages and excuses.

Finally, on the following Tuesday, before he headed into work at 6am, I got a call and decided to answer. “I’m outside. Please come to the door.” As I shuffled to look somewhat presentable, I eventually opened the door and their he stood. He had never came so far as to enter my home or come to my door. I was met with a hug, and Valentine’s Day gifts. My pure immediate response was one of genuine joy. My heart melted. I embraced his hug. He quickly rushed to work to arrive by 6am. As I closed the door and placed my items in the middle of the dining room table, my mood quickly shifted! I began to calculate and ask myself internal questions of his motive and intent.

Side note, many ladies are aware of “Hoe Day”, any day outside of Valentine’s Day; the day before or days after is the day men spend with the “other” woman, not the main woman. They shower gifts and time and effort on the days surrounding, not the day of.

Anywho, my mind would not allow me to enjoy the gifts. I just didn’t have peace about his efforts. He even gave my two younger children boxes of chocolate. I even delayed giving them their candy and I hid my gifts to avoid any questions. Something in me knew things had shifted. I just felt different. Our texting and phone conversations grew somewhat distant. He could tell my trust in him weaned, my guard was up, and my communication was not the norm.

The following weekend, was a bit off as well. Eventually, on Saturday night I escaped to social media while the kiddos slept. I didn’t stay there because something told me to search his name. Though I had done that before, this time was different. I did a deeper dive and discovered the most devastating news of my life. This entire time our relationship had been built on a lies, deception, and I had been lied to the entire time. I was in shock for hours! From that point forward, I had evidence to why the Holy Spirit initially told me to end the relationship.

I eventually confronted the issue and spoke with GS. After our initial in-person conversation that confirmed my findings, I was forced to push feelings aside and obey God.

To date, I am no longer in the relationship. I have blocked his phone number and expressed my stance that aligned with scripture. I took every thought captive and was forced to led my heart back to Jesus; the hardest and most hurtful thing that I have had to do since my divorce. Since then, he’s apologized profusely! Sent words of remorse through my co-workers, Delivered flowers and balloons to my home, and used his work line to call me. The end of this relationship aligned with my transition out of my federal position. I’ll save that for another post!

We’ve had a few conversations since the intention distance and no-contact approach to healing.

Now it’s me and God! 😩 So I sit! I lament! I yearn for that deep connection again, but know that it was the Lord’s doing that wants me to wait for His best! I process and I have moments where I’m simply tired! I’ve returned to my place of wanting more. It’s healthy to be in community and it’s also healthy and normal to want to be wanted and loved, but not at the expense of self-love and obedience to the Word of God! So, I heal! I mourn! But just like the man in the Bible who laid at the side of the pool, “I pick up my bed and walk!” My flesh doesn’t want to! The song in this season that is my Champion’s cry is, “Encourage Yourself” by Donal Lawrence and the Tri-City Singers.

So mommas, if you walk away from this post today with nothing else, please lean into my heart in saying, OBEY GOD THE FIRST TIME! Even if you don’t have evidence , proof, or understand His why; simply obey! Scripture says that, “Obedience is better than sacrifice.” Obedience will save you time, trauma, hurt feelings, and grief, and sometimes your life! Trust that He is Sovereign and He sees ALL things and knows all things!

Until next time mommas, I love you and stay at the feet of Jesus! It’s safe there! 😘