The Ache in the Waiting – God, where is my husband! 😞
Well mommas, some days are great, but today my soul aches and longs to be loved and held by a man; not just any man, but my purpose partner-my future husband!
As I sit on my son’s bed, trying to retreat from my five and eight year old littles who quietly snuck into my bed in the wee hours of the morning and took over my king-sized bed, I am attempting to find rest and peace from the thoughts that are overtaking my nights rest, so I write. It’s 6:18am and my teenage son’s bedroom is next door. He’s awake having his devotional time with the Lord, headphones in ear and singing off key loudly! 🤦🏽♀️ Part of me is grateful and thankful to God that my 15 year old son is intentionally walking with Jesus. However, the tired momma who needs a vacation and the stressed out version of me is annoyed by the very sound of noise as I’ve already had to escape my own bedroom for solace, only to run into a teenager awake at 6am doing laundry and having “quiet” time with Jesus. Mommas, clearing I’m tired and weary.
This season of waiting to be found by him has been intense! I’ve tried the dating apps and I get more discouraged by every swipe left, thinking to myself, “What in the world am I saying that is attracting such…never mind!” Then, Ive attended some singles events at a few local churches that appear to attract 90% women and men my daddy’s age. 🙄 Of course, to no avail. I have even researched the places single “good” men frequent to position myself to be seen. Joking (but not joking 🙃) with one of my married girl friends and a brief talk with my brother, whom I am convinced he’s concerned about how strategic I’ve become with MY plan to be seen. Yet out of respect and love, he simply listens LOL I joked (or maybe it wasn’t a joke 🫠) with my bestie and shared my plan of action. I said, “ Ok BFF, a reputable YouTuber (don’t judge me) said good men go to the car wash, grocery store, Lowes, Home Depot, and maybe the gym, and back home again. They live predictable basic lives. Imma get cute, put on my maxi sun dress and walk down every aisle.” Like the AMAZING BFF she is, of course she gassed my head up and replied to my text, “Monday-Lowes, Tuesday-Home Depot, Wednesday…, and (in all caps), and YOU STILL LOVE JESUS” Baby, enough said, that was going to be my next move! 😂 Then my mind and emotions took an unmotivated turn this week. I simply grew tired, discouraged, and weary.
The burden and responsibility of carrying the weight of life alone and being uncovered, especially as a single mommy of 3, has been nothing short of overwhelming! So instead of my planned field trip, I write.
Mommas, I have been “strong” and intentional since my divorce over two years ago, but I feel my strength weaning! I’m tired mommas! Simply tired; emotionally, psychologically, physically, mentally, and yes spiritually! I bet being wrapped in the loving arms of him (my future husband) and enjoying a comforting passionate moment of love-making would take the edge off 🤔, but since I’m not married, that form of stress relief is forbidden until I have license to. 😞 Some nights the only thing that helps me to remain pure in thought and deed is the hope that I’m saving all of me for him! Lord continue to keep me and help me to wait well!
Mommas, I’m just being real in my thoughts and journey as I hope that my transparency will resonate! No one is talking about it and I will continue to authentically share my truth! I digress…
The financial burden of providing during a season of lack, the emotional strain and constant pull as a mom, the personal struggles of making daily decisions and having to sit alone in my own decisions with no one else’s strengths to counter my own weaknesses is sobering and scary. The very thought that I have to depend on me, but what if I fail me? The very thought that my shortcomings and areas of weaknesses are too great and could impact me and my kiddos in a great way. Lord, it feels like this task of leading me and my children are too great for me to handle! What if I fumble the ball and my opponent (the enemy) takes advantage of me being down/low, picks up the ball (my purpose, kiddos, future, dreams, and more) and scores a touch down. God, I don’t want to fail! I don’t want to lose! But daddy God, I’m tired and I don’t know where to run! As a matter of fact, I don’t have strength to run at all! I don’t want to give up, but I need direction, provision, and wisdom on if I should return to a traditional job or persist in my entrepreneurial journey.
WHAT DO I DO? Where do I run to? Who do I look to? I need to be saved and rescued! I need and want a man to take the weight of life off of my fragile shoulders, give me permission and space to rest, love on me , help me, protect me, and cover me. I want him to love on my children, help my children, lead and guide my children with wisdom and in a way that only a healthy man can. He is the missing link to this family unit! I’m not a “strong Black woman” I NEED A MAN AND DESIRE A MAN! I need him to pick me up, hold me like a baby and tell me it’s going to be okay. Wipe all of the debt away from me trying to make decisions while in transition (some unwise of course), help me organize my life and thoughts, help me clean my physical space and be the structure to my cluttered mind, help me make sense of aaaallllll of the dreams, ideas, and plans that I foresee, accept my shortcomings and embrace them with no complaint, yet have the capacity to see ALL of me and accept me fully with no judgement! Challenge my complacent spaces and champion/encourage my win! Lord, are you listening?
As I sit here with tears in my eyes, not knowing where to turn, but am use to having a husband (though toxic at times), I remember the relief and shared responsibilities and balance as my weaknesses were countered with his strengths and the home seemed to run much better, the family unit was more structured, the home was clean, there were meals on the table most nights and less eating out, there was shared responsibilities with the kiddos needs and demands, sex on a regular and simply another adult to lift the heavy couch of life! Yet, in all of the memories both real and perceived, I am fully confident in my decision to escape the toxic environment that no longer served me and our children! Thoughts frequently enter my mind, “ if I survived 15 years of marriage with marginal help and support, I anticipate a life that will one day thrive and flourish in a healthy marriage full of love, compassion one for another, respect, godly purpose, and AMAZING sex! So still I wait on you my king! Help me to wait well Lord!
Now that I have authentically shared my moment of weakness, fragility, and humanness, I ask Lord that You would enter into my situation and calm the storm! As I sober up and lean in to trust what is not predicated on my emotions, but the Word of God…yet will I trust You!
I end this post acknowledging the perfect lover of my soul, the One who is the epitome of love, you promised to stick closer than a brother! You are Jehovah Jireh-my provider, my peace, and sustainer! Lord , I send a HALLELUJAH anyhow! You remain on the thrown of my heart and I trust You! Will these dry bones live??? According to scripture, YES RHEY WILL! So, in the midst of my waiting season, help my mind to be filled with great expectations, assurance that your timing is perfect, and that your plan is right on time! In times of desperation, an unsettled heart, impatience, and frustration, help me to lean on you 100% and to find rest in you alone! I am reminded of scripture that says, “ Be not weary in doing good, for we shall reap a harvest if we do not faint. -Galatians 6:9 – Ultimately my Lord, you satisfy! Help me to not put unrealistic expectations on my future husband! I realize my eternal and daily need for You as my living water; promising to quench every single thirst! Lord, be my everything during this season! Give me strategy and the strength to accomplish daily tasks, operate in my purpose, explore multiple streams of income to make provision for my family! Help me to follow through and complete tasks and projects and assignments. Give me the mindset that my work is unto You oh Lord! I desire a heart posture that is content in You alone so that during my season of waiting, I will recognize ONLY good gifts that come from you and will not accept, entertain, or be trick by a counterfeit sent to destract, kill, steal, and destroy! Prepare me Lord, that when he finds me, I will NOT be desperate, but will be ready to serve your purpose in union and agreement with him! I speak life over myself and contentment SHALL BE my portion in this season in accordance with scripture that states in Philippians 4:11-13:
11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I love you Lord! I lean fully on you Holy Spirit as my keeper and comforter!
In Jesus name,
Amen
As I remind myself that even when the journey of life bring burnout, I remain the BOMB.COM through putting your trust in Him, I encourage you to do the same! Love you mommas!
Till my next post, God Bless 😘
Monique's Moments
Hello my fellow mommies!!! 😊 My name is Monique Jameison and I love writing!!! I will share my heart on topics that bring healing to me with hopes that you find something that speaks to your situation and encourages you to know that you are the B.O.M.B.com, despite your circumstance as a mom who may be experiencing burnout; hence the acronym B.O.M.B.com (The Burnt-Out Mommy Blog)! As I authentically share my journey, I graciously call my posts, "Monique's Moments". I welcome you to come along this journey with me... I am a newly single mommy of three amazing kiddos: Stephen (14), Taiden (6), and Ivy-Mone't (3). I am a survivor of abuse and am recently divorced after almost 16 years of marriage. Now, I am on a journey of healing and rediscovering who I am in this new season of life. I am a follower and lover of Jesus and biblical truth is the final authority in my life. I value the model of the traditional family as being between one woman and one man who have been created in God's image to serve in unique roles within the family unit. I value the role of the man in the family and his unique role to lead, serve, provide, and protect his wife and children under God's headship. I value the role of the woman in the family and her unique role to submit to her husband, serve her family, and mother her children by nurturing, loving, rearing, and teaching them. Due to sin and living in a fallen world, the family unit is under attack by the very enemy of our soul, the devil. The American culture is counter to and makes it very hard for mankind to walkout biblical truth. As such, homes are broken and our children are being raised inside of single-family homes mostly absent from fathers, distracted by two working parents with little time to fully engage their children with intention, and overly stimulated children glued to technology as electronic baby-sitters. I admit, I am guilty of it ALL! I am a mother raising children in a broken home, work outside of the home, and use technology out of balance. As a Christian, I am not perfect, I am progressing! I thank God for Jesus' blood shed for my sins and I have hope in God's provision forward! As an intentionally mommy, I commit to surrounding my children with people, places, and things that reinforce God’s design for marriage and family, and value the role of the church as a community of believers whose purpose is to be God’s hands and feet. I BLOG from a place of empathy, experience, authenticity, and LOVE! I will approach this blog with positivity and will seek to understand a person's uniquely lived experience and engage from a posture of non-judgement and encourage my fellow reader to pray and do the same. En Christ’s Love, Monique J. Jameison
