Teens and Things…exhausted in the battle

Well, burning the midnight oil again! It’s actually 1:22am and somehow I have not been able to sleep at night recently. Not sure why, but I pray for sweet rest and the Lord’s revelation of this season in life.

As I reflect on my day, what sticks out the most is a disagreement that my eldest son and I had. As we transported groceries from the car to home, I lashed out at him on the elevator, in response to his abrupt and harsh communication with his seven-year-old brother. I felt his communication was a bit harsh and to be quite honest, I was triggered as it reminded me of how his dad responded to him; impatiently, giving very little grace and tolerance. Afterall, I literally felt like I had to go to war for my youngest son and defend his child-like innocence, in the same way I would defend my eldest son from verbal intolerance and attacks from his dad. I think my biggest fear is that I don’t want to repeat cycles and feel helpless in my fervent pursuit to get my children to get along. I understand “normal” sibling rivalry, but to see my children consistently trigger one another, and accuse one another of purposeful attacks is not only alarming, but Momma Bear arises when I feel anyone of my kiddos is threatened, even at the hands of one another.

So, what is a momma to do? My eldest is the compliant child who is high achieving, while my two youngest are free spirited and cross boundaries and challenge discipline. This frustrates him a great deal and he feels they get away with much more while he is held to a higher standard. Uniquely, I am the oldest of two and can affirm his feeling from a shared space. However, the difference is that I dared not talk back to my parents or questioned how they parented my sister and I differently, even though I felt similar sentiments on occasion. It was just a level of respect that my generation showed caring adults that my son and his generation feel at liberty to share their displeasure and verbalize their felt injustice that makes life “unfair” in the moment. So, as a consequence for not closing his mouth and not showing self-restraint and elevating his voice and throwing a 15-year-old tantrum, I did what only a sane momma would do, I poked the bear by taking his phone. In anger, he threw his phone on my bed in frustration and by this point, I had had enough! It took ALL of the Holy Ghost in me, not to become Evanger Holyfield and get in the boxing ring! Then, I simply decided to STOP engaging the war! I simply stood still because I knew that nothing good would come of this constant battle. I was too offended to see his perspective and he felt too misunderstood to adhere to my request to “shut-up”, “close your mouth”, etc.

With the situation still pending as I decided to put distance between us and resist the urge to become “Fix-it Felicia”, I stayed quiet the remainder of the night.

So, as I type, I have no fancy words or encouragement nor any resolution for the matter. What I can say is that I had several moments where I felt not enough or ill-equipped or defeated in my femininity to properly handle the situation absence of masculinity that he would respectfully bow and forfeit the fight. The one glimpse of hope was running into a stranger on the elevator for the second time who asked how I was doing. Unable to fake-it, the gentleman quickly understood and asked me to share with him because he too was having a very terrible day after just finding out that his ex-wife was dating her ex. As I gave him a brief glimpse into my world for about 60 seconds, I felt seen, values, and heard. He asked if I need a hug and as I leaned into his welcoming embrace, I felt covered for 5.6 seconds. (sigh). He invited me to join he and a friend as he admitted to going to drink his whoas away. I swiftly went upstairs and, on the ride up, tears began to fall as I was finally able to be weak in that moment. I quickly remembered that this gentleman was the same person who saw me carrying my multi-gallon water dispense container to my room and in my moment of weakness, he offered his strength. Both times I had mixed emotions’ I felt both covered and uncovered at the same time as these brief interactions truly reminded me of my need, desire, and yearn to be covered by a man and to have a safe physical space to land! In all honesty, I simply want to be wife to one man who is not only willing, but eager to share in rearing my three children and adding what only a man can…his masculinity!

Later on that night, I sat with my emotions, had an honest conversation with God and I found myself at the feet of Jesus and in thanksgiving that even in my most vulnerable stage, He is enough for me!

So, to the single mommas who feel defeated in moments like this, you are not alone! I am living proof that in my weakness, He is made my strength. When I get it wrong, He is gracious enough to cover me and send me glimpses of relief in the waiting.

I challenge you today that as you cast all of your cares on to the Lord, that he would so lovingly remind you as He did me, to worship and acknowledge who He is to you and that you declare your completeness in Him! Yes, I desire marriage! Yes, it is hard to parent alone! Yes, it’s easier to move a table with two people rather than one. Yes, having a man’s physical embrace and his affirming words during tough times will be oh so comforting and satisfying! Yet, in the midst of the waiting, I will find my delight in the One who promised to be the author and finisher of my faith. So, in the middle of it ALL, I WILL declare that I lack NOTHING in Him alone!

In God’s care,

Monique J. Jameison, Founder and CEO

Moms R The B.O.M.B.com (Burnt Out Mommy Blog)